Taken

     Ten days ago I had something stolen from me. Something I had worked so hard to build, to care for, and to keep protected. Then, in the blink of an eye, it was taken. I would be lying if i didn't say I had warnings. I had plenty of them, i just didn't think it could happen. Needless to say i was unprepared for the loss that would bring. The grievance i would feel, and the emptiness that would remain for me to sit in. I felt as though i had nothing left. No direction, no place, no tasks. Just emptiness.

     How did I get here? Well for those of you who don't know my story, check out Boxofsalvation.com. It will pretty much some it up for you. Fast forward through the last five years brings me to the end of 2014. The human mind is a very complex thing. In fact if we even learn to separate our mind from our brain, we can get even more complex. Our brain relates to the automatic responses to situations. You get scared and you jump, you get hungry so you eat, you feel tired so you fall asleep. Our mind on the other hand, puts thoughts into our actions. It is why some people decide to wait to eat. Perhaps they stay up a little later because they want to watch a tv show. I would like to think of it like this, the brain is automatic and your mind is your decision maker. But sometimes, those decisions aren't really what may have the best outcome. We have all made mistakes from time to time.
    Having an eating disorder is not something that someone chooses. Its embedded deep in our brain and its something i will live with for the rest of my life. However, having control of the thoughts and understanding which thoughts are rational is something that i can control. I learned that years ago and have spent the last 5 years of my life doing just that. Sure maybe i would have a rough day here and there, but i always had control. What purpose does an eating disorder fill? There is no right or wrong answer here because it is different for everyone. In my case, i have learned that it gives me a sense of control when i feel like something in my life is out of my hands. It also becomes a way for me to avoid dealing with feelings (particularly anxiety). People will often ask, what are you anxious about? Why are you stressed? The simple answer is, life. You see, in the world of someone who suffers form something like this, even the simplest things could set it off. Changing a schedule, sickness, being late, a social event. the list could go on. It also helps to fill those feelings of emptiness. Keeping myself preoccupied with my food and controlling my weight leaves little time for me to feel bad about isolating myself.
    I had actually done a pretty darn good job of using CrossFit in place of my eating disorder for a long time. With CrossFit, I had something to help me hide from all my problems and my anxieties. Even better, it was something that made me feel good about myself. I became healthy again. I made friends, built relationships, i found focus and i found a place where i could be happy. I also found something that i truly loved. I care for CrossFit in the same way many might care for a dear friend. It is a piece of me. The community of people, the training, the lifestyle. I LIVE FOR IT. The strength I gained, the fitness I gained, the CONFIDENCE i gained was amazing. All the while i knew i was still hiding from many of the same issues. Low self esteem, anxiety, that overwhelming feeling. I was avoiding dealing with a lot of things that most people would put in the forefront! Thats a hard thing to admit, but its the truth.
    So what happened?I wish i knew. There was really no one thing that triggered me to fall back into old habits. Most people who know me would agree that i am super knowledgeable on nutrition. I know all the right things to do, but at the end of the day, this wasn't about the food. It wasn't about how many grams of protein carbs and fat, it wasn't about paleo or zone or even calories. It was deeper. I was using that as a way to avoid dealing with the loss of control in my life. I was using it to deal with the anxiety.
     We all have heard that negative voice that lives inside of us. It might  be loud when you look at yourself in the mirror after a long night of partying! it might say things to you when you question yourself as a mother or an employee, or even an athlete. It might tell you what you don't deserve or say you aren't good enough. Yet most people can hear that voice, put it aside and go on about there day. For me, with my eating disorder, that voice grew powerful. It didn't happen overnight. It started soft, and slowly grew louder and louder. The best analogy I can give is being in an abusive relationship. It happens once and you think it will never happen again. Yet each time, it gets worse and worse. By May of this year, that voice was screaming at me. It was so loud i couldn't even concentrate. I couldn't think about anything but doing everything it told me. It was the only comfort i felt. If hid me from the anxiety but kept me miserable. I was beat down and broken. i kept trying everything i could to shut it up. I used the same approach as any other person would do. Eat more food. Just eat more. It made it worse. Every time i tried to eat more, would be negated with extra training or restriction the next day.
   The tricky part with all this, is that I was slowly losing CrossFit. I was losing my strength, my desire to train, my pierce of mind. That voice was slowly taking it away from me. It hurt so bad to come into training each day feeling weak which only made the voice louder. Now i would here "your not even good at CrossFit." My happy place was now becoming somewhere i didn't feel that i belonged. My coach and teammates could see me slipping away, but didn't know how to help. They can't see whats going on inside, they could only see what i would let them.
    The breaking point finally came. I was injured, exhausted and i couldn't fight any more. This voice had broken me down so badly that i was now in a puddle of tears sitting by myself crying for someone to help me. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to be able to compete, I wanted to be able to live. I wanted to feel better, but i couldn't do it alone.
     I finally found the strength to ask for help. I wanted to let people in, because i was tired of fighting this alone. I had less than 4 weeks until the biggest competition of my season, and i wanted so badly to be out there! So i started letting other people take control. I stopped thinking. I started doing. It was hard at first but over time, it got easier. Fighting that voice became easier, because i wasn't alone. I started to find myself again. I was finding peace. I was getting myself back on track! I was getting ready for the games.
    But it just wasn't enough time, and in fact, it wasn't the right time. My coach told me just ten days shy of leaving for Cali that I would not be competing. This through me through a whirl of emotions and back down that slippery slope of depression. Only this time, i was at the bottom. I had nothing. I was lonely. I found that voice of comfort growing loud, but this time, I was angry. I was FUCKING PISSED! That voice, that i thought would hide me away and keep me safe, stole the one thing that i cherish most in life away! I would never let it back in again. Not without a fight. So my depression switched to what would be anger, motivation, and a new found determination.
   It is still hard to believe i am not competing this year, and i am trying to remember that my season isn't over. My season is ending with a different kind of competition. A competition that will determine the next year of my life. It is time to dive into some of the anxiety. Its time to face life head on. Its time to find Cheryl Nasso and figure out who it is I am and what it is I stand for. Its time to reflect and reset. As any competitive athlete can relate, I am trying to keep the thoughts in the present. I already find myself setting performance goals, thinking ahead. My challenge though, is not doing that. My challenge is staying present. So I am taking a little break and then I will start to dive into a brand new chapter in my life. Lets do this!

Nobody is Perfect

      We all make mistakes in life, Some are big and some are small. It is unrealistic for us to expect to always do the right thing. Even when we have the best intentions sometimes we don't realize how our actions could effect someone else. 

      Which leads me to come to the realization that even the people we look up to the most can make mistakes. Even the ones that preach and teach all of the things we should be doing can sometimes fall into those very same behaviors. Does this make them a hypocrite. Not at all. It simply means they are human. We can be mad, sad, disappointed, misled, and even let down but it doesn't change the fact that we are in control of only one thing, our own reactions. It's important to remember that we can take control of the situation and learn from it

     I am a full blown overachiever, so when someone gives me a task, gives e guidance, tells me how things should be, I give it the utmost respect. If I fall short, I instantly turn it on myself and think of all the things I should have done differently. I care about the people I may have let down in the process and feel guilty. My guilt sometimes will overwhelm me. I internalize things, make myself feel worse and tell myself I need to do better.

      Does everyone feel that? I question if it's right or wrong. Should I learn to brush things off and move on or am I right to feel like I need to g better. I guess it all comes down to character. I want to be remembered as someone who follows through and practices what I preach. I guess maybe I have high expectations that others will do the same. 

      Maybe it's time for me to toughen up accept the fact that I just can't do the right trig all the time. It is unrealistic because I am human and I make mistakes. Maybe I need to learn how to accept this and not care so much about being perfect. Maybe some people will get hurt along the way, but I have been let down too many times. I also hold so much guilt for fear of letting others down. It's time to get rid of a little piece of it.